The book of Job

G'morning!

When I woke up this morning, I had the sudden urge to read the entire book of Job. I have never read more than a verse here and there from this book but I thought that, seeing as I'm in the situation that I'm in, Job might have some consolation for me. I found some verses where Job speaks on how he feels and it's like he's speaking on my behalf. Then I found some verses that are spoken by Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar that also felt like they were giving me advice directly for my specific situation. I am loving how the bible is so timeless. Anyway, the way I'm going to post about it is I'll write the laments of Job and then the advice he is given. The difference between me and Job is though that I'm not ANGRY at God like he is, nor do I want to die (no need for depression/suicide interventions, people). Also, even though I'm not going to be quoting any of the Lord's speech section, I love that God is like (and I paraphrase) "Can you do this? I can. So stop saying you know more than me". Loves it. Okay, so here we go:

"For sighing comes more readily to me than food, and my groans well forth like water. For what I fear overtakes me, and what I shrink from comes upon me. I have no peace nor ease; I have no rest, for trouble comes" Job 3:24-26

"What strength have I that I should endure, and what is my limit that I should be patient?" Job 6:11

"If I say: I will forget my complaining, I will lay aside my sadness and be of good cheer, then I am in dread of all my pains; I know that you will not hold me innocent." Job 9:27-28

"Be silent, let me alone! that I may speak and give vent to my feelings." Job 13:13

"My days are passed away, my plans are at an end, the cherished purposes of my heart." Job 17:11

"Yet when I looked for good, then evil came; when I expected light, then came darkness. My soul ebbs away from me; days of affliction have overtaken me. My frame takes no rest by night; my inward parts seethe and will not be stilled." Job 22:21-25

And now the advice of his friends:

"Happy is the man whom God reproves! The Almighty's chastening do not reject. For he wounds, but he binds up; he smites but his hands give healing. Out of six troubles he will deliver you, and at the seventh no evil shall touch you." Job 5:17-19

"Behold, God will not cast away the upright; neither will he take the hand of the wicked. Once more will he fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with rejoicing" Job 8:20-21

"If you set your heart aright and stretch out your hands toward him, if you remove all iniquity from your conduct, and let not injustice dwell in your tent, surely then you may lift up your face in innocence; you may stand firm and unafraid. For then you shall forget your misery, or recall it like waters that have ebbed away. Then your life shall be brighter than the noonday; its gloom shall become as the morning, and you shall be secure, because there is hope; you shall look round you and lie down in safety, and you shall take your rest with none to disturb." Job 11:13-19

"Come to terms with him to be at peace. In this shall good come to you: Receive instruction from his mouth, and lay up his words in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored; if you put iniquity far from your tent, and treat raw gold like dust, and the fine gold of Ophir as pebbles from the brook, then the Almighty himself shall be your gold and your sparkling silver" Job 22:21-25

And at the very end of the book, it says "Thus the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his earlier ones." Job 42:12. I think that last sentence was really all I needed to hear. It also helps to know that obviously this pain is not suffered by me alone (which, deep down, I knew already but it's nice knowing that someone in the bible felt the same toil that made his insides feel like they got scrambled by an egg beater).

All in all, I'm glad that this situation has gotten me to read the bible more. I've probably read more of the bible in the past week than I have in the past year or two. Sad, I know. Onward, ho!

New beginnings

Hello blog,

As I was reflecting on this life-changing weekend (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you can refer to my facebook page), I came across and re-read my "about me" section on this blog. Originally, when I wrote "It seems as the world is going to put up a fight and try to thwart me in my efforts [to become a Catholic doctor, wife and mom]", I was only referring to the doctor part. Well here I am officially thwarted in what I thought was my path to becoming a wife and mom. Funny how when you think that things are going so perfectly, they are still capable of crumbling beneath you. With that said, I am not mad or bitter at anyone or anything. I trust in God's will and I trust that the person who made this decision does not take deciphering His will lightly and therefore I trust the decision.

So now that I've gotten into 5 med schools and am well on my way to fulfilling my vocation as a doctor, I guess this blog can also document the second leg of my journey to fulfill my vocation as a wife and mom. It's very strange, this emptiness, this void I feel inside. It's not that I'm lonely but I feel like I had a grand plan written up on a white board and someone just erased them all. I suppose the saying is true, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans". I am really good at making Him laugh, let me tell ya. It's a humbling experience for sure because I thought I had things figured out but God just needed to remind me that we're sort of playing by his rules here. We are not playing "I win" (see Big Daddy).

There are two things that I am using as reflections to help me through this rough patch. One is the lyrics to the song He Will Carry You where it says "There is no storm so dark, God cannot calm it; There is no sorrow so deep, He cannot soothe it. If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders, I know my brother that He will carry you". The other is Matthew 26:39 "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not as I will, but as you will". I know that in my sadness, He will be there to get me through it. And as much as I want him to take this pain (cup) away, I want His will to be done. I think for now, I'm proud of how far I've come in the past 4 days. I am looking forward to see how this will change me as a person for the better.

a wealth of good news

Okay, med school powers that be- this is getting a little ridiculous. AcceptanceS from KCUMB and Creighton within 3 days of each other AND another interview invitation (Oakland University) on the same day as the Creighton acceptance. It feels so good that after having such an unsuccessful application cycle last time around to finally get positive results! Sure, I've gotten my share of rejections but they came after my first two acceptances. I decided to TURN DOWN the Oakland University interview after coming to the conclusion that I should, from this point on, only interview at schools that I would prefer over my current #1: Des Moines University. Which means I will likely only interview at IL schools, if they'll invite me. Le sigh. Only if I'd start getting attention from those schools, I'd be in heaven.

A wonderful problem to have

Hello blogosphere.

Last week, I was accepted to my third osteopathic medical school- Midwestern University Chicago College of Osteopathic Medicine in Downers Grove, IL. First of all, YAY! I'm super pumped to have an acceptance in IL (recap: my other two acceptances are in Erie, PA and Des Moines, IA) but here is the issue at hand: med schools require a deposit to hold your seat in the class by a certain date (12/14 for DMU and Midwestern) but I don't know if I want to spend 1500 and hold seats at both schools. If I decide that I REALLY want to do osteopathic medicine, the school I like best is DMU. However, if I decide that regardless of DO or MD that I'd rather stay in IL, I want to hold my spot at Midwestern in case I don't get into any other IL school. So do I pay DMU and not Midwestern in hopes that I either decide that I want to go to my preferred DO school or get into another school in IL that I like better than Midwestern? Or do I pay Midwestern and not DMU and just go to any school that will keep me in IL? Things to consider: DMU is 4 hours from Peoria while Midwestern is 3- not that much of a difference. Midwestern is not as technologically well-equipped as DMU. Cost of living is higher for Midwestern. DMU's cost of attendance is $10,000 less per year than Midwestern (wow, that's a lot- it's the first time I really compared it). As much as I don't want to admit it, since DMU is further away, I think out of the two schools I should choose DMU. Sigh. Being an adult blows. Prayers would be greatly appreciated- especially for clarity in decision-making and peace of mind once I've made the decision. Thanks, readers!